What's in a definition?

Dear reader,

After my last post on mental illness, I have had a lot of discussions with friends and family about how to deal with someone who has one, how to cope with it if you have one, what it’s really like to be “mentally ill”, and how those who haven’t dealt with it before often dismiss the seriousness of the issue. So, I thought that I’d write more about mental illness.

Don't forget that it is complicated. But that shouldn’t make us shy away from supporting our friends and family who have a mental illness. If you have never been affected by a one, it is very easy to come across to those that have as dismissive and judgemental. You may not mean it, but you have to realise that you might not understand, you might not get it, and it may not simply be a matter of self-control or willpower.

You know what? There are some issues really don’t affect me. I can let them go in one ear and out the other without getting much response from the organ in between. I know nothing about, say, cars. But get me talking about cats or fantasy books or Taekwondo and I can go on forever. I know nothing about politics, but get me talking about alcoholism or anxiety or obsessive compulsive disorder or depression or self-harm and I can go on forever. Why? I have experienced and been seriously affected by these things. It’s not that I don’t care about cars or politics, it’s just that I am ignorant. Luckily, being ignorant about these things doesn’t really matter (in my opinion). But being ignorant about people and how their inner world works can be harmful in so many ways. I’m going to try and help you understand what mental illness really is, in my (humble) opinion, and why we have such a problem dealing with it.

So here goes. A quick Google search of the definition of mental illness gets this:

“[Mental illness refers to] any of various disorders in which a person's thoughts, emotions, or behaviour are so abnormal as to cause suffering to himself, herself, or other people.”

This definition is great but doesn’t quite do it for me. Another one adds that “[it can be] caused by social, psychological, biochemical, genetic, or other factors, such as infection or head trauma.” The next one says that it includes “any of various forms of psychosis or severe neurosis” and yet another states that it involves “problems serious enough to require psychiatric intervention.”

What is your definition of mental illness?

Maybe that is the biggest problem those with an illness have to face when relating to others. Maybe being “sick” and having depression don’t elicit the same response from you. Maybe you have more sympathy/empathy for the friend with the flu or a broken leg than for the one with bipolar disorder. Do you think that because they have a broken mind, being more “mindful” they would fix it? Here’s an idea: do you also think that someone with a broken arm can be more “armful” and simply be healed? “But,” you say, “they aren’t the same. They are different. You can’t choose to fix your arm, but you can choose to fix your mind.” My answer to that is “have you ever tried to fix your mind when it’s broken?”

I have the feeling that we sometimes struggle to accept that people are broken in more ways than just physically. Maybe it’s because accepting brokenness in others will force us to look at the brokenness we have ourselves. But, hang on, maybe you really do want to help, it’s just that you don’t know how. Or perhaps you’re just trying to keep yourself and your loved ones safe. I often struggle with the balance between looking after myself and sacrificing my time and energy for others. But it doesn’t take much energy to tell someone that they are loved. It doesn’t take much time to listen to someone talk about how they are feeling. You don’t have to be their therapist, but you can be attentive and open. Listening is one of the most powerful tools you can use to help those you love.

There is nothing more comforting than opening up to someone who says “I know what you mean, I feel that way too sometimes” or “that sounds really hard, it’s obviously been a big struggle for you.” As soon as someone starts talking about feelings that I relate to, I make sure that they know that they are not alone. When you have a mental illness, you really do feel isolated, like there is no one else that is going through what you are going through. When you realise that others know how you feel, don’t you immediately feel a bit better? I know that when I struggle with my study, I can feel like I’m the only one. But talking to my classmates, I realise that everyone has similar issues and the weight comes off my shoulders. I remember walking through campus, feeling my anxiety flaring up, and suddenly feeling like I was alone. If I could read the minds of all those around me I would find that there were others thinking the same thing. The more I talk to people, the more I realise that so many of us have these problems. The majority of people I know have seen, or are seeing, a counsellor for various reasons. We all need someone to talk to. Is your fear, ignorance, or judgement of mental illness stopping you from being that someone?

The point of this spiel was to try and make you understand that the way you see mental illness can actually affect those that struggle with one. You may think that it’s not your problem. But chances are, most of the people you know have one or know someone with one. As always, I will try to illustrate. A very close friend of mine had a serious drinking problem. They drunk two bottles of wine each night and were embarrassing if they were around other people. They were, by definition, an alcoholic. They couldn’t not drink. They were completely addicted. But you see, this person looked fine on the outside. They had a great job, they had a family, they had friends. They weren’t off the rails in anyone’s eyes except those closest to them, like myself. Before I went through this with this person, I had no idea what alcoholism was. I joked about AA (alcoholics anonymous) and assumed that “alcoholic” meant a homeless creep with no respect for themselves or others. If they just stopped drinking then they would be better.

After a long and very painful few years, I realised how wrong I was and how much hurt I was causing this person (and myself) by believing those things. I would ask them why they didn’t just stop. I’d tell them to not buy wine on the way home from work. I’d yell at them and mock them while they were drunk because it hurt to see them that way and I thought they were doing it on purpose. Let me tell you that this person is the strongest person I know. They are stubborn and full of life and willpower. Yet they still "choose” to drink. How can this be? I had to change the way I saw them if I wanted to help them.

Eventually, this person was brave enough to go to AA and I went with them. It was the scariest thing they ever did. And boy did it open my eyes to a whole new world (cue singing from Aladdin…) and quickly change my perspective. There are people from all walks of life in that programme and it has radically changed the lives of so many involved. AA didn’t take away the fact that this person had an illness. Once they got the detox, which was scary in itself as withdrawal symptoms from alcohol addiction can be fatal, and went to AA they were able to build themselves back up with my (and others’) support. But they are still technically an “alcoholic”, although they despise the label because of the way those who don’t understand treat them. I know that a few of their friends have taken a big step back from them because of this label.

So I'll ask you again: what is your definition of mental illness?

Lots of love,

M

xx

How do you feel?

Dear readers,

I recently had an interesting discussion with one of my good friends about depression and related topics such as anxiety. It’s such an issue nowadays, and (going by stats I heard once somewhere…) everyone experiences some form of it throughout their lives. While many things were discussed, the main points that really stuck out for me were as follows:

How much control do you have over depression?
How much do the choices you make influence how depressed you are?
Are too many people being diagnosed, labelled with and over-medicated for depression?

I think enough people are aware of depression for there to a general understanding about what it is. Maybe I’m biased though, as I and many people I know have it or have gone through it. My friend pointed out that feeling emotions is a normal occurrence. Happy, sad, upset, angry, overjoyed, frustrated… everyone feels these things and they are appropriate responses to our circumstances. If you feeling sad because your cat had to be put down, or feeling angry because your sibling trashed your room, it doesn’t mean you suddenly have clinical depression or an anger issue.

However, I feel like I need to argue that depression and anxiety are not that simple. There is a big difference between feeling low to being clinically depressed. “Mental disorders” like this interrupt your functioning. There may be an obvious cause, like a trauma occurring, but most often there is no reason why you become depressed. For some people reading this, you know what it’s like all too well. For those who are lucky enough to not have dealt with it before, just know that it is really difficult to get out of it once it overcomes you. It is not as simple as thinking your way out of it… or is it?

And this is where the questions above come into play. To what extent does one have control over a disorder like this? How can you use healthy strategies to make good choices? And if you do this will you stop being depressed? Where do you draw the line between dismissing it as a “chemical imbalance” or realising you have made unhealthy choices whose consequences you now need to deal with?

Of course I am not an expert, I mean I study animals not humans, but it is relevant to me and challenging in many ways to think that maybe I need to take more responsibility for my mental health. Eek I can even feel myself begin to prickle and get defensive while writing that. I know that when you are in the middle of a rough patch it is very hard to make the right healthy choices. Sure you can take appropriate action, go see professionals and learn how to spot the signs and implement good strategies. These things are beyond important, but does it mean that you are no longer depressed? From my experiences I have always assumed that depression is a state of being, and you just learn to accept it and deal with it.

[Phew... need to take a breather…this is such a complicated topic and there is no way I could write about all my thoughts on it…]

There is a lot more I could blabber on about, but to try and round it off I’ll give you a quick insight into my experiences to try and illustrate what I’ve been saying. For ages I had struggled with “feeling low” and never quite fit the typical description of “depression.” I knew there was something wrong though, I eventually figured out that I had an issue with “anxiety” and my low mood was secondary to/a result of this. I learnt how to recognise the signs of a panic attack pretty quickly and worked really hard to get over that. So yay, no more panic attacks. That was my choice and I took responsibility for that and I fixed it. Go me! However, I still had this underlying level of anxiety. I tried my hardest to make healthy choices. To not let it affect my normal functioning. I chose every day to go to class and do my work. I chose to look after myself and be healthy. I put all the strategies I had learned about into practise but in the end, this constant level of anxiety would not leave me alone. I had good days, but it was a struggle. In hindsight, I wasn’t myself. I wasn’t the person I wanted to be and I wanted that to change so badly but at the time I couldn’t. I eventually got over this, but it wasn’t as simple as choosing to be OK.

So, can you see that I made the right choices and it fixed one thing, but not another?

What are your thoughts on this issue? Do you think people need to take more responsibility for their mental health? Is it really all about choices? It’s very complex and everybody has their own opinion. If you have something encouraging to share then please do. If I have said anything you think is really wrong, again please let me know.

Much love,

M

xx

P.S.
I feel like I need to say this: if you are feeling low and can’t seem to shake it off, I really encourage you to talk to someone you trust and go see a doctor, and/or check out this website: http://www.depression.org.nz/

What's the real issue here?

So here in lil' ol' New Zealand there has been a big change. The Definition of Marriage Amendent Bill has been passed, with a majority vote of 77 to 44.

This bill affects many people. It offends some. It frees some. It makes people angry, happy, upset, overjoyed, confused. But, regardless of how people feel, it has been passed and it has been changed to...

"...ensure that its provisions are not applied in a discriminatory manner."

And that...

"...all people, regardless of sex, sexual orientation, or gender identity will have the opportunity to marry if they so choose."

Interesting, huh?

My flatmate told me that the bill had been passed, and she was really stoked, but she did a bit of a back-track because she knows that I'm a christian.

What does that say about the way people see christians in regard to debates like this? In my own church, and even in my own bible study group, we do not all have the same opinion regarding this particular topic. And by the way, it's actually ok.

For me, the most important thing about this bill isn't the fact that "anyone can get married now", it is that the law cannot be used in a discriminatory manner. Shouldn't that statement be on all the laws?

The two greatest commandments are "love God and love others as yourself" (see Matthew 22:37-40). That does not apply to anyone else's choices but your own. God doesn't say "love me, and make sure others are doing what you think they should" or "love me, and make sure you judge everyone according to your opinions". No, these commandments are directly to you, and it's your choice to obey them or not. Your choice to love regardless of your judgement is the most crucial decision you could ever make.

Noone has the right to be discriminated because of the labels they have been given.

The only label I believe in is "loved".

P.S.
I personally haven't made up my mind what I believe is "right" or "wrong" when it comes to the topic of homosexuality. I know a few people who identify this way and I know that they didn't choose their sexuality. I certainly don't remember choosing to be heterosexual and yet that is how I identify myself when it comes to sexuality. There are certain verses in the bible, especially the new testament which seem to be pretty clear about homosexuality being a sin (i.e. wrong, or something that makes you turn away from God), but then again so do passages about women not being allowed to speak in church. I am not trying to put down the bible's credibility. I believe that the bible is the Word of God and it is the truth and all that. But I do also believe in understanding the context and history behind passages.

I'll get back to you one day if I figure it out. Maybe I should ask the big guy Himself eh?

Read the article about it...
http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/politics/8560494/Marriage-equality-bill-passes

My Heart Will Go On

So here I stand on the metaphorical precipice of my future. I've been constantly straining to see what's coming once I take the leap of faith only to realise that to see I have to leap.

I sway back and forth between peace and anxiety of not knowing. Too much anxiety and I begin to step back, close down, let my situation smother me and cover me so I don't have to face what's ahead. Too much peace... well I don't think you can have enough peace. But even a little of it gives me courage to stand on the edge, and wait for the right time to jump.

The anxiety only comes from me. My thinking, and letting it tell me how to feel. Only I can create this anxiety and therefore only I can destroy it. I can have help from the outside, from encouragement and kind words of support. I certainly have help from God, in all his ways of ministering to me.

It is from Him that peace comes. My leap of faith is trusting that He is in control. I know that my God acts on my choices because in my relationship with Him not only do I try my hardest to trust Him, he unconditionally trusts me. This is part of that whole love thing.

So with that knowledge I stand on the edge and, with Him right beside me, will take that leap and like so many times before realise that living by His love only brings better things than I could have imagined. I tried to see before I leapt, but how could I see what I couldn't imagine? I limited my seeing with my own self-inflicted creation that is anxiety until I let go of the need to see and replaced it with trust in Him.

Amen.

Hooked, lined and sinkered

So... I have a slight obsession with online games. Not just any online games though. No, these are particularly addictive. I shall not name it, but before I started my blog post I made sure I harvested my crops and fruit trees, feed my animals, planted and watered more crops, and did some baking, all on my online virtual farm full of positive reinforcement on both fixed and variable ratio schedules. The most effective training programme you can use on any animal, especially us humans.

I recently made a nice wee diagram as part of my preparation (*cough* procrastination *cough*) for study. It is a piece of paper nicely divided into four squares, or quadrants, that are titled with important or not important, and urgent or not urgent (see conveniently placed picture to the right...) I was going to put this game into the "not important or urgent" category, but I realised that I was in denial. While it wasn't important... (although I would be soooooo annoyed if I lost my game - I'm level 12!) I admit that it was urgent for me. I had a deadline to complete this achievement thingy and I would get a cool chicken if I did and and and... oh dear lord save me now.

The thing with these types of games, and one major social networking site, is that if you "deactive" or "close down" your account, you actually aren't doing anything. Your game/page is still there and if you log back in it'll "reactivate" and be back to normal. Essentially the site/provider is lying to you through the screen and tricking you to believe that you've really deactivated something when all they want is to make it easy for you to get hooked again. If I deleted my game, and then realised that when I played it again everything was still there, I am a thousand times more likely to keep coming back. It's a sad, sad cycle and I am sorry to admit that I've been lured into it.

How do I get out of it? Well for starters, have better things to do, but when I'm studying it's so easy to be distracted. Once you get into the groove, studying is actually rewarding (don't kill me study haters!) but I find it so difficult to get cracka-lackin' that I'm really good at taking breaks. Trip to the bathroom, cups of tea/hot chocolate/water, putting makeup on, doing my hair, redoing my hair, putting more makeup on, talking to everyone in the hall, reading every book except my textbook, cooking, cleaning, eating, SPCAing... you name it, I've used it to procrastinate. But it's kinda getting to the not funny stage now. My first, and hardest, exam is in 3 days and every time I look at my notes I get a bit dazed.

So as I blog to procrastinate and push back the feeling of dread slowly encompassing me, I realise that no amount of wit and wonder can help me find a shortcut past this study-week-long mental block. I simply need to just do it. In an ideal world, I wouldn't touch facebook, let alone my virtual farm (those chickens need feeding every 5 minutes! So unrealistic...), and youtube would miss me trawling through it's makeup tutorials and crazy science videos, and I would kick my tea habit and drink water instead, and actually study (with short breaks) all day... So maybe - just maybe - I could try these things. I'll let you know how I go. See you on the other side...

Easier said than done

Something that has been on my heart recently is the saying "actions speak louder than words". Sometimes, words can be very meaningful (e.g. wedding vows) but more often than not I find myself saying things that I actually don't mean (e.g. saying one thing and then doing another). I try to think about what I say before I say it but that is easier said than done! In fact, a lot of things are easier said than done.

There are a lot of things in the media that are made out to be easy, and for a good price. The messages we get bombarded with can be quite overwhelming. "Get fit" "eat right" "lose weight" "buy this and you'll be happy" "you need <insert object> to complete your life" and so on and so forth. What would the media looked like if realistic goals were advertised? It's hard to imagine. And what if the pressure put on by bright colours and "SALE! SALE!!! SALE!!!!" weren't in our faces all the time? I'd definitely be a lot more relaxed. There's a reason I prefer to mute the sound of the TV in the ad breaks.

The one thing I have taken a long time to realise is, despite what the TV says, I don't need to have/do/buy everything advertised. I know, mind absolutely blown, right? But it's easy to get sucked in. It's also easy to say you aren't, but your actions and attitudes give it away. I have an essential flaw in this area. I'm not so bad now, but I used to be terrible at saying "NO!". It's mean. It's a rejection. But apparently I have every right to say "no" to someone who wants some of my resources, because I have limited resources to give. It was a case of "oh yes, I'm good at managing my time" and then saying "yes" to everyone who asked for help and running myself into the ground.

I learned that I can't just commit without thinking, or agreeing without sleeping on it, or say "yes" without talking to over with people that know me well. Why? Because I need to pause, think, wait, so I can say what I mean, and mean what I say - and then back it up with actions. So now, I'm really careful (most of the time...) about what comes out of my mouth. The amount of nonsense I can spit out per minute is quite impressive and quality definitely gives way to quantity. I am slowly learning to slow the tidal wave of words, and add to the intelligent conversation instead of the noise. It actually means I listen more, and become focused on the people around me instead of on myself.

In the famous words of a Sunday school teacher's song...
"I don't wanna be a hypocrite, I don't wanna be a hypocrite... cos they're not hip with it! Yeah I don't wanna be a hypocrite! No, no!"

Great expectations

Today was not a good day. After missing most of my lab, and napping when I should have been on campus later for a meeting, I passionately told my friend that “I wouldn’t cut the horse off a tail” and then discovered that the internet wasn’t working. “Argh” is the best word to represent how I feel at the moment. As an extrovert, I like to talk about everything that goes on in my head, but alas I do not have time so instead of having a full-blown rant, I guess I could get over myself and write an interesting blog post.

I think we’ve all heard nice sayings like “learn from your mistakes” or “two steps forward, one step back” or “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” or (my favourite) “shit happens”. And yet, as clever and concise as these sayings are, it still doesn’t make up for the fact that when things don’t go according to plan, it just sucks. I still think that the ideas put forward are very valid. I mean, shit does happen and if you can endure and get through you will be stronger, even if it means the way out isn’t linear and you make mistakes along the way (see what I did there? It’s called paraphrasing). But accepting this is just really hard, especially when success is valued so highly. And because failure is the opposite of success it is to be avoided at all costs. (I almost said “in western countries” but I think this could actually be true of most of the societies around the world).

Like all difficult concepts that I struggle with, there seems to be a balance of risk-taking and playing it safe. It’s all relative, said Einstein, and I think he had a point. Accidental spoonerisms in a friendly situation are really funny, but not when you get “fancy duck” mixed up in front of someone important… But the more I think about this, the more I realise how complex the idea of accepting failure is. You've gotta be in to win, but am I putting too much value on the outcome so that it is costing me? Or am I too scared to take a risk because it seems too hard and there would be no immediate satisfaction?

The easiest way to figure this out is to look at our expectations, and how we react when these expectations aren't met. What do you expect of yourself and the world around you? I expected the internet to be working, but, quite simply, it wasn’t. I had the right to expect that when I opened my browser the internet would be working but how did I react? Did I have a tantrum or write a blog post? (Well I did both really). How about something more important to me: if I expected myself to study all the time, I would let myself down constantly. I’ve had this expectation dangling over my head for a very long time and I have had to battle with the idea that study is not the be all and end all. Often I get to the end of a day, and see that I haven't done as much as I wanted. It's quite disappointing and usually my motivation disappears. While I can't be lazy, I've had to realise that the amount of study I do still works for me, even though my initial expectations weren't being met. With this new perspective, I can set out to see how I study best and change my view of my work habits.

What about things that are more out of our control? The bus being late, or tripping over on the way to class, or forgetting to do something, or the internet not working (!), or even letting someone down without realising it. It kinda makes me sad to realise that we (i.e. humans) are obsessed with the only thing that we'll never achieve: perfection. And I can't ignore the spiritual ramifications of this. The way my mum puts it, is that we live in a broken world. It is far from perfect and everyone knows it. Even closer to home is that when you look at youself from your own point of view, you aren't perfect either. But here is where perspective comes in handy. God made us in his very own image (genesis 1:26) and when he looked at everything he made (including you!!) he saw that all of it was good (genesis 1:31). It goes downhill pretty quickly from there when Adam and Eve start to think that they might just ignore what God has told them. But they are still in God's image. They are still created to be perfect, but by God's doing not their own. God sees us as perfect regardless, and we still expect God to turn around and say "just kidding, you have to earn your salvation". Nothing could be further from the truth.

So maybe ask yourself what kinds of things you expect to do, and how you react when you fail to meet these. If you're falling short of a goal, is it really your fault or have you set the standard too high? And what about how you see others. Do you expect them to be a certain way? Do you judge them when they can't live up to your expectations of them? And finally, how do you see yourself and the world? Have you got your God-lenses on? Happy mistake-making :)

 

Spoonerism in all it's might